"I'm lying here on the floor where you left me,
I think I took too much.
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun.
I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch.
I can't stay on your morphine 'cause it's making me itch.
I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch.
I think I'll get out of here, where I can run,
Just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere,
To the middle of my frustrated fear
And I swear, you're just like a pill.
Instead of making me better, you're making me ill,
You're making me ill..."

- "Just like a pill" by Pink

Studied for a freaking 6 HOURS with Carlene at Macs...oh my goodness, I swear I thought I'll never make it through alive...but hey! I'm here! And kicking and living and still having a life holding the Unidentified Flying Spoon (Inside joke btw... *arhem* Anyway, see Beel? Go get another life, don't try to steal my eventful life of flying the UFS!)

Anyway, the only amusing thing, AMUSING mind you, that happened was tt some guy asked for my phone number 3 times...how desperate can he get? And the best part, he SMOKED. Like nobody's business. And he's so ugly! It looks as though his face is smashed by the wall or something, sheesh! Yarh...so....tt's the only thing tt entertained me and kept me alive throughout...the fact tt the guy is just so persistent to get my phone number. And he forgot tt I am capable of seeing from the corners of my eyes so that him always turning his head towards us is not unnoticeable. Man, I should just ask him to go get a life.

On to other stuff...I reflected a lot today, after what Carlene said..hmm...I know I've made several mistakes that can only be my fault...and these mistakes are just so foolish...how can I ever make them? Sometimes I just repeated my mistakes and in the end, I hurt so many people...their scars cannot be taken away all because of my mistake...I can't help this. Maybe I really am under stress. Maybe I really am under the work of the devil...but I really got to swear to put my message across because I realize tt when I don't swear, ppl just don't take me seriously. And I must have this out before Carlene start seeing lines on my arm and disown me.

I know I've been a bitch these few months, in fact this whole year...and for that, I really am sorry...and I hate it that when I say sorry and that when I promised myself one thing, I can never fulfil tt promise. And yet, I hardly break my promises for others. Why? I said I will never be foolish enough to jump into things and yet I did. I said I will never trust someone in an instant and yet I did. I said I will try my best not to hurt others and yet I did. And what I hated most about myself is the fact that I build deep bonds with everyone I meet, even if it's for the first time. Unless I don't like the person that is...and it is this that caused me to be so blind to what lies ahead. Why am I so gullible? Why am I so fuckingly stupid as to be so damn blind to the fact that some relationships will never work out no matter how much fucking effort I put in because the other party won't bother? Because in the end, what the hell did I get? Nothing but pain and a lesson I've learnt over and over again. And because of that fuckingly deep bond, it's just so damn hard to get out of the persistent hope that the other party will one day reciprocate my efforts, it's so damn hard to get over the pain of losing someone, even if that someone is a stranger. I'm sick of this shit. I thought I was ready to be myself and to be vulnerable in front of others so that others can understand me but guess what? They don't. They don't even take me seriously. Ok, so I tend to talk shit but come on, I still am a human. Ok, so I'm just a fucking freak here whom people want to shun. Then shun. I don't want people to pretend to be my friend when they aren't. I'd rather have no friends than to have fake friends. People say they understand what it's like to be me. But do you really understand? How can you understand what it's like to be me when I don't even understand myself? How can you so confidently say that you know what it's like to be me when you are never me? You will never be me. In my situation, yes. But never me. And so you'll never fully understand what it's like to be me. In my mind. In my body. In my soul. Whatever shit.

Though honestly...I wonder how can anyone like someone like me? How can anyone still stay friends with someone like me? Yes, I'm paranoid and I'm insecure. And I'm temperamental and moody and hurtful. Because in my eyes, I'm just a pile of shit with no goals and no purpose. Sure I pray and read the bible and try to find my calling but sometimes I'm just so lost as to who the hell am I. I don't even know myself. I can't describe myself at all because I don't know myself. How can I ever be precious in anyone's eyes? Sometimes I wonder if Him dying on the cross for me is a mistake, because I'm just not worth it. Why forgive me when I'm bound to sin? Why love me when I'm bound to cause hurt? Sometimes when I ask people what is so special about me, they hesitate for long periods of time...why? Why can't they answer such a simple question?

Whatever people...maybe I'm getting too paranoid and stressed up for my own good. In which case, I'd better go. I've wasted enough of your time here and for that I can only say I'm sorry for wasting your time.

- #67

//Sometimes I wonder why you do this. Sometimes I wonder what you'll do in my position. Most of the times, I wonder if you care. Do you really care? I'm tempted to believe that you do but I just don't know what to believe in anymore. What I believe in so strongly once was what has hurt me the most. And what I subconsciously believe in, that's what I should have had strongly believed in it. I'm sorry if I hurt you when I rejected your chocolate. I didn't mean it because I really didn't know why you pass me some object all of a sudden without telling me why. And I only knew why when I talked to Carl. Then again, is the reason for giving me the chocolate the same as hers? I don't dare to make assumptions anymore. I don't dare to talk to you because I don't know how to handle you. I don't even dare to make eye contact with you or even look at you because I'm afraid of showing you too much of my emotions. It sounds stupid and even unbelievable. But yarh. So I'm avoiding you, that I'll say it out in the open. Maybe you're too scared to talk to me. Maybe you're uncertain. I don't know. But I don't blame you. Everyone says I'm difficult and they are right. I am difficult even to myself. So if you want to break all ties with me, I don't mind because I can understand why. Just tell me when you want to do so. //